Dear Child... I'm selling you for parts.

So child is growing up.. I knew this day would come and it would be difficult but FUCK! There are days I just want to strangle her. For all of you "perfect parents" out there, I don't care if you call Family Services, I'm sure they would agree with me. Some days kids are just horrible little monsters that deserve nothing more than a stale piece of bread for dinner and an open palm beating on their asses.

How many times can a mother hear, "I HATE YOU AND I HATE THIS HOUSE!" or "I WANT TO LIVE WITH MY DAD!" Really? You want to go live your Dad. Fine. you call him and see how much he likes the idea. He'll talk you out of it pretty damn quick you ungrateful little *%^@#!

Phrases like the ones above make a mother cry. I'll freely admit it. I cry every time child screams this at me. Every.Single.Time. They really know where to jab the knife and twist, let me tell you. You have no choice but to develop a thick skin. I always thought mine was pretty damn thick but when it comes to child throwing out doozies like these, I am that chubby kid in school that the other kids threw rocks at.

How do they know what to say? It's not like it learned it from me. Do they practise this shit in front of the mirror? Are they learning it from their friends? Is it something that just comes naturally to them? I don't say these things to my mom, although I did when I was a kid. Payback's a bitch compressed into a four foot frame and flannel feety jammies..

I can't even blame TV or the internets. Everything is password locked. Is child an evil genius? Did it actually inherit more of my traits than its father's? Is that good or bad news? Being a parent is so confusing. Do we actually have to feed it or will it just learn on its own? What about this whole nurturing thing? Is it absolutely mandatory? Can I put Baileys in its milk? What about hash brownies? Can kids eat those? So many questions, so few answers.

Nobody tells you how to be a parent; there is no school for parents. There are books but they only make you feel guilty about being a bad parent (according to the books). Parenting for Dummies? What the fuck? Why are dummies having kids? Isn't there a law against stupid people procreating? Aren't all of the idiots sterile due to that new law I was trying to have passed? The government assured me it was going to pass. Liars. I digress...

So we come full circle... My child is available for purchase. I am not sure if it will be more lucrative to sell it for parts or as a whole. Do people still buy children or is it just their kidneys and pinky fingers they are after these days? I'll have to check Craigslist I suppose. In the meantime, please send your hugs my way. I really need them and I promise you won't see them on Kijiji or free on the street.

When child loved me...