I'm better behind the scenes where nobody will notice the glow of my bright pink cheeks in the dark. Behind the camera where my blemishes aren't judged. Singing in the car so nobody can hear if I'm out of tune. Dancing in the middle of a crowded dance floor in hopes that nobody sees my awkward movements.
I enjoy quiet nights with a book, some tea and my snoring dog. I also like loud, raucous concerts. I am not out of place at the theatre and can also blend in well at a fetish event. I'm versatile and rarely bored.
There are some days I just want to be me. The quiet, thoughtful and awkward me. I won't talk a lot, I'll concentrate on the task at hand and end up lost in what I am doing or thinking. Most people mistake this for anger or grumpiness. They would be incorrect. This is me in my natural state.
I can't always be "on". I'm not your personal dancing monkey or court jester. I need to take a break from that persona sometimes and just chill. Just because I made you laugh eight days in a row with my perverted humour and happy dances, it doesn't mean the ninth will be the same. I resent the words, "What's going on with you? What's the matter? Why aren't you talking?". Are you paying me to entertain you? No. No you are not.
Please don't try and act like my boss and demand results, you're not going to get them. What you will get is anger and believe me, nobody wants to be on the wrong side of that. I'll have people laughing...at your expense. People will dance...around the flames coming from my nostrils. People will sing...my praises for being so damn mean without you even knowing. Treat me like a circus sideshow act and I'll make sure YOU are my circus sideshow act. The funny part? You won't even know what hit you.
Leave me in peace, don't assume the worst and most of all, understand that even the greatest performers need a break.
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