Momma Mia... It's harder than you think.

Oh the life of a single parent... The questions, lack of answers, the struggles and triumphs; the regular stuff that all parents deal with. When you are alone, there is nobody to share with. Nobody cares about a participation ribbon like a parent, they don't understand how much it hurts when your child tells you they hate you or the feeling of their soft cheek against your shoulder as you snuggle up to watch a movie. A parent feels everything their child feels and those feelings are intensified when you are the only one.

Take today for instance; I come home from a fantastic outing with a friend to a somewhat depressed daughter. She has been very courageous and asked a boy to an upcoming dance. Her brevity is rewarded with a big fat "no". She is crushed. I want to tell her that this stuff happens to assertive girls like us and sometimes it is the price we pay for being daring and fearless. Instead I am just as crushed and all I can do is give her a hug and tell her boys are stupid. If her father were around, he may be able to offer up some good advice but he won't even answer the phone at night so I am left to deal with the situation on my own.

Maybe being the mother makes it worse? Mothers tend to take things very personally when it comes to their children. An eye for an eye some might say. I, as a mother, want to take it a step further. I want to go to this boy's house, pull him outside by his ear and demand an explanation. Not some shoddy "I don't know" excuse, but a real life, accountable statement. I know this is unreasonable but that doesn't change my fantasy. My little girl is hurt dammit and by extension me! It's time for a good old-fashioned foot in the testicle you little bastard! If this is my reaction to a simple rejection, can you imagine if somebody physically harmed her?

Holidays are pretty difficult as well. Waking up on Christmas morning, on your own, without your child is pretty tough. Even when surrounded by friends and family, there is still a void in my heart; an ache so painful not even liquor and/or sex can cure it. I'm thankful for the chance to sleep in on my day off and to be able to enjoy Baileys in my coffee but these things are not the same as the sound of an excited child discovering that Santa has been generous this year.

My child does so much that I am proud of and sometimes I feel she is not getting the recognition she deserves from me. Being the only parent means everything is on me. Driving her around, homework, entertainment, cooking, teacher meetings, discipline, nutrition and the financial stuff that goes with all of the above. Between working full time, my own personal life and tending to her needs, I practically collapse into my bed at the end of the day. I often replay the day in my mind and wonder if I have given enough of myself to her. Did I remember to check her agenda? Did she have milk with dinner? Were there hugs? Did I tell her I love her? And those are the good days..

Some people may say I chose this life and they would be right, I did. I could have easily given up custody to her father or surrendered her to family services or something more absurd. The people that really know me know that none of those options are even options. My girl means everything to me and despite our many differences, I could not imagine a life without her. The weekend breaks are nice but I am so happy when she comes home even if we are arguing within an hour. Her smile, when genuine, lights up a room. Her giggles are music to my ears. Her hugs, when not half-hearted, bring warmth to my cold self. A home without my daughter is not home at all, it is only a house...