Soccer Moms, cocaine and the space between..

As I drive my tiny black, fuel efficient car complete with Radiohead sticker and Darwin fish up to child's school, I notice the stares (glares?) of other mothers. The sun is shining, windows are down, sunglasses are on and Motley Crue is cranked on the stereo. Does my car have a booger hanging out its nose? Do I have a booger hanging out my nose? Have they forgotten what it's like to be young and full of life? I wonder what goes through their minds as I get out of my car and walk toward child's classroom door.

I've never really been a proponent of caring what others think but this irks me a little. When did I become this pariah that elicits hushed chatter and quiet snickers? Is it my ginger hair? Perky breasts? *insert band name here* t-shirt? What have I done to these women to cause them to shun me? I smile, I participate in PACtivities, I attempt conversation but am often met with snobbery and cold shoulders. What's a girl to do? I know... I'll sleep with their husbands!

You know their husbands are itching for some intelligent conversation and harmless flirting, right? And let me tell you, there are some sweet DILFs at child's school. What dude wouldn't be flattered by the attention of a woman ten to fifteen years his junior? I don't think I'm conventionally attractive but my face is not that of a rhino and I'm pretty sure my body is not that of a hippopotamus...No offence to rhinos and hippos of course. I bet they would love to talk about things other than kids, hockey practice and the newest mini-van. While I might enjoy something this illicit, I am just not the home-wrecking whore type.

So back to square one... What's a girl to do? Am I capable of speaking Soccer Mom? Should I start wearing yoga pants, highlighting my hair and listening to Virgin Radio? Should I consider revolving my life around my daughter? I mean I already do to a certain extent but there are things beyond paper routes, Girl Guides and homework, right? That's my issue with these women; all they ever talk about are kid-related things. I understand that that may be all you have in common but if you never venture into other topics, how do you know? Perhaps that ponytail sporting woman next to you is a pot smoking painter or a bass playing gamer girl. All it takes to find out are a few well placed questions completely unrelated to children.

Come on ladies, remember your life before kids? University threesomes, snorting cocaine off Chippendales' asses and dancing until 4:00am to Depeche Mode? While I completely understand not wanting to partake in cocaine and Depeche Mode, at least rip open your button-up every so often and reveal your belly baring, off-the-shoulder Poison t-shirt! Talk to the weird girl in the small black car with the red hair and awesome shoes; she may be able to open you up to a whole new world of possibilities. At the very least, you'll make a new and interesting friend to play Rockband or share a bottle of rum with. I may even lend you my Motley Crue t-shirt circa 1989/90...