Squish, turn, squish, adjust, squish, OUCH!

Yes folks, that is how I describe a mammogram. Is there anything better than walking into a dimly lit room with a somewhat attractive, soft-spoken woman who asks you to untie your gown and lower it to your waist as she makes adjustments to the transformer-looking machine who will be your threesome partner for the next fifteen minutes? Once the third-wheel is ready to go, she gently asks you to lay your breast on the cold plexiglass plate and proceeds to lower the second plexiglass plate on top of your boob, flattening it like a pancake. Now anybody that has ever touched or seen a breast knows that this IS NOT NORMAL. It hurts like a motherfucker and it took everything in me not let out a yelp of discomfort and pain. To make this even worse, I really don’t have a lot of boob to lie out on the plate so I’m pretty sure half my upper body was sandwiched between the two plates.

The next stop in my Tour-de-Torture was the ultrasound room. Again, a somewhat attractive woman, a dimly lit room and this time, a bed! Woohoo think the perverts. Notsomuch. As I lay there with my breasts out in the open and my nipples forming miniature bullets, the woman smothers one with a cold, clear jelly and proceeds to run a scanner around it. I strain to see the pictures she is looking at but she not so subtly positions the monitor out viewing range. Don’t I have the right to see what’s going on inside my body? She finishes up, throws me a towel and walks out of the room. I’m pretty sure I’ve had one nighters more polite than that.

Commence waiting……

Doc calls, “we need you in as soon as possible”, commence panic.

A few days later I find myself sitting in the office of the man who will deliver what I think is my death sentence. “Hello Ms. OQA….blah, blah, blah….BIOPSY” Fuck me. No, no thank you thinks I. I would rather die than have a needle injected into my boob. Seriously. I appreciate the offer but no thank you. I left the office in a haze after being coerced into allowing them to contact the hospital and promising to set up an appointment for this needle torture and excruciation.

Suffice to say, the baby-making has been put on hold.

Commence waiting…..