....especially when those friends are other mothers.
Most mommies are self-righteous bitches or they're just pretending in order to mask some serious insecurities. Either way, it's hard to make new parental friends of the female persuasion. I am far too busy trying not to kill my baby to make nice with women that lack common sense, basic manners, and patience. When I say patience I mean the patience to understand when I don't message back right away because I'm cleaning vomit out of my hair for the fifteenth time that day or when I do all of the talking because I just need to vent about the crappy thing my baby daddy did the night before. I require pleases and thank yous from my friends and a certain level of intelligence. Call me fussy but eventually we're going to run out of baby shit (literally) to talk about and have to move on to current events, literature, and dick jokes.
Let's go back fourteen years to my first trip down mommy lane....Early twenties, clueless about babies, post-partum depression, unable to breastfeed, limited funds in the bank, and absolutely no friends that were interested in babies. Sure, everybody wanted to see and hold her, at first, but eventually the novelty wore off and I was left alone. Who could blame them really? Nobody wants to "party" with a baby. I eventually left the house and went to my local public health unit for something called "Baby Time" A place where a bunch of mothers got together with their infants to talk all things baby with a nurse. A place where the bottle was a shameful thing. A place where nobody wanted to be my friend with the exception of one person. Our daughters had the same names, were three weeks apart, and both bottle fed. We developed a "fuck you" attitude, shut the others out, me more than her, and are still friends to this day. Trust me when I say I tried; I tried to converse and talk about the latest and greatest in baby crap but nobody seemed to listen when I spoke. Was it because I was a good ten years younger? Was it because I wasn't dressed like the others? (concert t-shirts and jeans were apparently out of fashion fourteen years ago) Or was it something more sinister? Possibly my socioeconomic status, maybe my ginger locks, or were they threatened by my confidence? I'll never know because I couldn't be bothered to ask and I eventually just gave up. I had my one friend and for that I was grateful.
I am currently in my second trip down mommy lane.... Late thirties, one baby under my belt, medicated post-partum depression, unable to breastfeed, financially secure, and friends that have had babies, are having babies, or are wanting babies. Everybody wanted to see and hold him and they still do! I'm amazed. We have no trouble finding babysitters or, more often than not, taking him out with us. I left the house earlier this time and headed down to my local public health office again, hoping for better results than last time but not too arsed about it. I was pleasantly surprised to experience no shaming for my parenting choices, in fact people wanted to talk about my choices; exclusive breast pumping, cloth diapering, sleep "training", etc.. Conversations at the health unit were moved to the park in the summer months, a friend's common room in the fall/winter months and eventually became more about our friendships than our babies. Don't get me wrong, those babies are what tie us together and we'll never forget it.
Out of the 26-28 women at the health unit, thirteen of us found one another, invested time in our relationships, practiced patience and understanding, and genuinely cared when another fell. We exchange birthday presents, recipes, parenting tips, funny stories, and the ever-present fails. We understand that we each have faults, we each do things differently, and that child-rearing is not a competition. We range from 24 to 39 years old and although us geriatrics are the butt of many jokes, we are never judged for being of advanced maternal age. We do not discriminate based on age, race, religion, class or education but I have noticed that we are all somewhat birds of a feather; intelligent, tolerant, strong women.
I have acquired many friends over the decades from high school right up to my second foray into motherhood; all of them serve a purpose, all of them are precious to me. Some days I need one more than the other and other days I need none at all, however, over the past ten months, I didn't realise how much I needed this particular group of mothers until now. We're coming up to the time where the majority of us are heading back to work and the littles are starting daycare. We're dropping off like flies, one by one, with promises to keep in touch and meet up at least once a month. We're starting a new chapter in our lives, or some may say, rereading an old one with new glasses. Will we continue to share the bond that we have now? Nobody knows. However, I will always cherish the time, advice, camaraderie, tears, and smiles we shared. Thank you ladies from the very bottom of my cold, cold heart...
Ah woman! You have a way with words ! Fascinating how different your two experiences were with other mommas! I had a fear thats what i might have faced !
ReplyDeleteBeautifully written and oh how life would be different without your wit in our lives! Thanks again for the watery eye this evening! Cheers to the Sharks! So grateful for you wonderful mommas!
- Jess
Ps sorry my phone kept deleting them... grr technology ! :P
Ohhhhhhhh Stacey. This is a wonderful post. Thank you❤️
ReplyDeleteAnd you said it wouldn't make me cry!!! This is so amazing/wonderful and absolutely perfectly eloquent. Thank you so much for writing this - and for being a Sharkie.
ReplyDelete-Britt
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ReplyDeleteThank you so very much ladies...I truly do appreciate your kind words now and over the past ten months. :)
ReplyDeleteS.