Failing...

...at life. I'm failing at life lately. It's sad to think that one can fail at life when there is enough food in the cupboards, a roof over the heads of one's family, and money in the bank two days before pay day but today I literally feel like a failure.

My mornings usually consist of getting me ready, getting baby ready, and walking the dog in the span of about an hour. In a sheer act of stupidity, I decided to sleep in a bit because the man was home for the day. Dumb mistake. Really dumb. I still ended up walking the dog, being late for work, fighting with anybody that could talk, and forgetting my precious coffee that the man so lovingly made. Why? Because I think I can do it all myself and not communicate when I can't. I'm the worst when it comes to communication...it's like showing weakness as far as I'm concerned.

The morning started out well enough but quickly went to piss when the teenager needed toilet paper in the upstairs bathroom and we had none. When I say none, I mean none. Not a scrap...OK, that's a lie, there was one square on the roll downstairs. We're also out of toothpaste and have been for a week or two...we've been relying on the sample toothpaste we get from the dentist every six months (multiply that by four and we have a lot of sample toothpaste). Still, in my mommy brain, not good enough.

I cried myself all the way to work while mentally going through the list of shit I have yet to accomplish this week, this month, this year, and this lifetime. Panic started to set in and I seriously considered driving very slow through the intersection just as a giant semi-truck came barreling through. I'm pretty sure the only thing that stopped me was the fact that my will isn't up to date; it's one of those things that's on the monthly To-Do list but keeps getting pushed to the next month. Irony? I guess my inability to complete the list saved my life if we want to be positive about the whole thing.

Oh THE LIST. I fucking hate this thing, like REALLY hate it. Why do I hate it so much? Because if the stuff on the list isn't accomplished, the whole household falls apart. There will be no food, no dinners, lunches, breakfasts, nobody will get anywhere in time, the teenager will flunk out of high school, the baby will never see a doctor, we'll never get to the goddamn dentist to get those sample toothpastes that we use when I foolishly forget to BUY TOOTHPASTE because I decided not to look at the list for a few days (weeks). See? It all comes back to the stinky list. It's funny how I LOVE to make the lists but really hate looking at them after...unless I can cross at least three things off at one time of course. It's truly a downward spiral of self-loathing...I hate myself when I make the list, I hate myself when I don't look at the list, I hate myself when I can't cross enough off the list, and I hate myself for having to rely on the list. Did I forget any other reasons to hate myself and the list?

When I'm not busy hating myself because of the list, I hate myself for yelling at my kids, being a bitch to the man, being forty pounds overweight, biting my nails, not reading enough, going out too much without the family, staying home too much with the family, not taking the dog for long enough walks, and for not keeping up with this blog. And when I say I hate myself, I really mean it. There is a level of hatred I reserve especially for me. If you think I hate everybody equally, you are sorely mistaken...I hate myself the most. Hate is probably a strong word but it's the easiest to say and it really packs a punch. With hatred come those feelings of failure and guilt...I'm pretty sure this is a combination of feelings reserved only for moms. The trifecta of awesome that consumes us and causes mental breakdowns and emotional outbursts. The shit that keeps us awake at night wondering how we can make the next day better, the next holiday more memorable, and the rest of our kid's lives perfect. Friends, family, and spouses can tell us we are doing great as we are but we never believe them...they're just being nice, right?

I have absolutely no solutions or suggestions for the problem at hand and I'm pretty sure I never will. This is something that I truly believe is ingrained in our brains as mothers. We have good days and we have bad days and hopefully the good ones far outweigh the bad but today, today is definitely a bad one. Bad enough that it inspired me to write about how shitty the list is and how, in turn, it has made me feel useless and worthless. I will go home tonight after working for eight hours, attending parent/teacher interviews, and running errands on my lunch break to make dinner for the family, clean up said dinner, pick up the teenager from work, walk the dog and eventually collapse in to bed only for the list to haunt my dreams.