Dear America,

Why do you feel the need to assault my eyes with bling on your asses? Everywhere I look, there are sparkly bums. I do not understand why you feel the need to sparkle up your asses. I, personally, have no desire to show off my ass, it does just fine showing itself off.

Further, why is your cheese so cheap? This pricing of yours causes me to buy more cheese than I need to, forcing me to eat a lot at a time. I really love cheese so this is not a difficult task but my ass, mentioned above, does not appreciate it. Sure, I can freeze the excess cheese but then it is all crumbly when defrosted. Hmmm... this IS a dilemma. Maybe large amounts of homemade lasagna will help? Potato, broccoli and cheese casserole? Oh, oh, oh... Mexican bean casserole! Sometimes my great ideas amaze me..

Sincerely,
One Quirky Animal

So as you can guess, I went to America yesterday. I was there for a good part of the day and came back with some cool stuff. Socks, panties, a lamb stuffy, dalek t-shirt, CHEESE, cork board, Night of Olay face cream and some free range eggs. Profligacy really.

When I go to America, I never really get hassled going down or coming back and yesterday was no different. However, the border guards seem to like teasing me. I don't understand! Granted, I always end up with a "duh?" expression on my face and sometimes I babble but are these good reasons to tease me? Is there something about that screams,"This girl needs to be razzed!"Is it my hair? My teeth? I've no idea. It's not like I can throw the bullshit right back at them, I am not interested in a full cavity search; it would just waste precious shopping time. It will remain a mystery I think.

Now we are at today and the Christmas stuff is down, the tree is shoved in it's box after I had to sit on the thing and I am left with a table full of presents to put away. I don't know where this stuff is going to go! There is also that pesky job of cleaning; moving furniture, vacuuming, dusting. Sometimes I really hate Christmas and my house. The fucking house seems to haunt me at every turn with it's wall nicks and smudgy windows. It talks to me during the night, whispering in my ear.."Quirrrrrrrky Aaaaaannnimaaallll...clean meeeeeee...." Oh house, all I wanna do is sleep, read and watch Boardwalk Empire. Why you gotta plague me with your troubles? Why you can't clean yourself? Why you can't find a place for all the stuff I manage to acquire?

I did manage to find a solution.. A maid! She will come for two hours every two weeks. While this is all great and dandy, what do I do between cleanings? One child, one dog and one cat make a lot of mess! Fur, fingerprints, food, toys... IT NEVER ENDS! Although child has been trained to unload and load the dishwasher and clean it's own bathroom, it is still the messiest little bugger! It's like it sheds STUFF! Where does it all come from? It's not like I actually buy it things. *sigh* There always seems to be paper, clothes and silly bands in it's wake. Where does this messy behaviour come from? I think it is inherited from it's father but he might disagree. And.... When asked to put it's stuff away, I am met with "what stuff?" Are you fucking kidding me? Do you need glasses? ARGH!

So we have covered America, sparkly bums, cheese and it's many uses and messy child syndrome; what next you ask? Nothing. Except this... Dare by Gorillaz Farty Disco Synth at it's best!

PS... Could somebody please consider buying me these shoes for an upcoming occasion?