I woke up this morning to my child not-so-gently nudging me with a "Mom, Mom, wake up... I have to go to school and can we stop for hot chocolate on the way and could you help with my lunch and I am hungry and still have to brush my hair and teeth and I REALLY want to be at school by 8:00". I groggily look at my clock and it is 7:00. I managed to croak out, "get your own lunch and breakfast..." before my head hit the pillow and I was back to dreamland. 7:30... "Mo-om! You said you would drive me to school today!" Ugh. Out of bed I stumble, throw on my jammies, pull my knotted hair into a tail and blindly put on my glasses. The dog is begging to go outside, child is talking non-stop and I don't even have a cup of COFFEE. Let me just say, if I do not have caffeine when I get out of bed, watch out! I am a bear in the worst way. This reminds me... I really need to teach child to use the coffee maker. I manage to make my way to the car with child jabbering in my ear, dog jumping and begging and still no.damn.coffee. "Fuck it, we are going to Starbucks." Child looks at me in utter amazement (not sure if this is because of the swearing or the mention of Starbucks) and I mutter something to the effect of "stop talking or it won't happen". Child shuts up, dog resigns herself to the fact that she is not going outside right away and we are off. I feel a sense of hope as we pull into the parking lot... then I see the line-up..Argh. I JUST WANT COFFEE! I can't go inside as I haven't even brushed my teeth and mascara is caked into the corner of my eyes.
Child - "Mom, are we going in? I really want to go in. Please."
Mom - "No."
Child - "But Mom...pleeease?"
Mom - "No, I'm messy."
Child - "Mo-om.. You always look good."
Mom - "Oh Punk, thanks for lying but we are still not going in."
We made it through the drive-thru in record time, I have my venti dark roast and child has it's hot-chocolate complete with whipped cream. Everybody is happy, except the dog. I pull into the school roundabout and into the drop-off lane, child gets out of car, there are kisses and child exclaims, "Mo-om, you're breath stinks!" Thanks child, buh-bye now. As I am taking a sip of my coffee, the excessively large SUV behind me honks it's horn as it is too big to manoeuvre out of the spot behind me. I think to myself, 'Fuck you' and take my time. If you insist on driving a monstrosity you can't navigate properly you can essentially kiss my ass. Well, SUV gets a little impatient and honks again, I roll down my window, stick my hand out and wave them forward while taking another sip of coffee and smiling. (You thought I was going to do something a little more crude, didn't you? It's an elementary school!) SUV honks again and again I go through the same motions. I can see in my rear view that SUV driver is getting very irritated and a small part of me takes great pleasure in this, So much so, I probably could have sat there for an hour doing this. At last, when I figured enough time had passed( 1.5 minutes, 2 max), I put my signal on, check my mirrors and blind spot and pull out. Now here is the great part of this story... As I am driving very slowly out of the roundabout thing, the SUV stays in the drop-off lane, proceeds to inch forward about twenty feet and drops off the next kid. WTF?!? How lazy are you and your damn kids? Here I was feeling like kind of a lazy twat for driving my kid to school and I witness this? Mother of the fucking year here! (Me)
Child usually makes it's own way to school in the mornings as I am at work. It either walks, rides or rolls. It sees Fridays as a treat day as I am home and able to take it to school. I suppose this is important as it gets to spend more time with it's perfect, doting mother or it is just being lazy. I am going with the latter because I am mostly realistic. Damn kids... They always have this way of causing you to crash right back down to earth when you are happily drifting in space land...
So here I am, at home, dog is outside and I am ecstatically sipping my strong, black coffee and typing words of wisdom to an audience as far reaching as Australia, Russia and Mexico. Eventually my lovely doggie will require a walk but she is content outside for now. I will also have to clean up my house and make an attempt to put the Christmas stuff away. I am so fucking tired of looking at it.
Happy Friday Everybody!
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