I'm Just a Girl in the World...: Office Holiday Parties....

....your definitive guide.

I've been on the vomitous side of many corporate Christmas parties over the years and would like to share a few dos and don'ts for YOUR upcoming shindig.

Don't drink too much! I know, I know, you've heard it before and you'll see the headline on every December cover of every major woman's magazine in the western world. I have stories upon stories that could potentially turn you off booze forever but I will share only one...

A few years back I decided that mixing various alcohols was a GREAT idea. I mean the company was essentially paying for me to pickle my liver so why wouldn't I take advantage of this "once in a lifetime" opportunity? I drank the wine on the table, rum and cokes from the bar, more wine from the table, more rum and cokes, some beer, more wine, and then went to a bar and guzzled a few more pints of beer. In total, I probably had close to twenty drinks. Not a big deal, right? Wrong. I was throwing out moves on the dance floor that weren't rehearsed, there are some less than flattering pictures floating around the internets, and I puked in my car. Yes, true story, I puked in my car. Granted, it was the next day on my way home but I did that, yup, me. I was feeling nauseous as I approached a gas station and as I was pulling in, I swung the door open and vomited right across my dashboard and out the door; the car was still moving. As I stepped out of the car to let some more out, I was met with applause from various onlookers. True story.

Don't dress like a whore. Dressing inappropriately, even if it is on your own time, causes others to talk about your poor choices for the rest of your career. Water cooler talk on Monday and every Monday thereafter will consist of... "Did you see what _____ was wearing? Ermahgerd! I CANNOT believe she thought that was a good idea. Somebody's trying to sleaze her way to the top." Also on the flip side, if the invite says business casual, skip the dress denim.

I dressed like a whore to one of my holiday celebrations and ended up looking like a Thai hooker. We're talking a body hugging, sparkly pink Cheongsam that had been altered to show off half my ass. Add to that some patent white Mary-Jane platform shoes, fake eyelashes, and big hoop earrings. I was only seventeen and had a killer body but believe me when I say I NEVER lived it down. I was the talk of that workplace for a very long time.

Don't make out with your coworkers. Period.

I have a story or two but probably shouldn't divulge the details. Suffice to say that shit gets awkward fast.

Don't wear shoes that you can't walk in. Seriously. If you MUST wear 5" stilettos, at least sit for the whole evening and for the love of Pete, do not dance. Carrying flats in your purse is an option but then your purse and it's contents smell like ass.

I was brave enough to wear high heels to a work Christmas party, once. All it took was a trip into a plate glass window to know that wasn't going to happen again. Also, my feet were wet from stepping in spilled drinks on the dance floor. Gross.

Don't go to the celebration with expectations of what might happen with your "favourite" cubical mate. It shouldn't happen and when it doesn't happen, you will end up crying in the bathroom while everybody laughs at you.

Imagine if you will...16 year old me, first corporate Christmas party, crushing on a boy one year older than me. He was sooooo dreamy with his lean physique, black floppy hair and piercing blue eyes. We had everything in common and were great friends. I was desperate to impress this boy by looking feminine and not like my usual grungy self. I wore a fluffy white mini-skirt, pink angora sweater that showed off my 16 year old abs and silver shoes. My hair was brushed and I was wearing mascara. After a few illicit drinks, I was ready to pounce. Every Breath You Take by The Police came on and I pulled him onto the dance floor for a slow dance. I laid my head on his shoulder and fantasised about what would happen later in the evening. Much to my dismay and embarrassment, nothing happened. He was gay. It seems everybody knew but me. Fuck.

Don't overeat. You'll be uncomfortable in your party clothes. You know, the ones that you have spent the last four weeks losing weight for?

Just so we're all clear, I'm not a total party pooper, I do like to have fun and indeed end up having more fun than most. I present to you my list of "Dos" for the holiday party season....

Do dance! Even if you feel you can't dance, you can. It doesn't matter how awkward you are or if you have two left feet, do it, I promise you won't regret it. And remember, most of the people on the dance floor aren't professionals either. Except me of course. If you want to look even remotely competent, do not dance close to me.

Do dress comfortably. Depending on your dress code, dark, dressy jeans and a nice blouse or shirt and tie can work. I politely suggest skipping the trainers though, unless you can pull off this look:

Do have a drink... it will loosen you up, open you up to conversation with strangers and most likely get you out on the dance floor I mentioned above.

Do eat! Not second and third trips through the buffet line-up but a solid first trip. If you don't eat, you'll most likely collapse and when you collapse, people automatically assume it's because you drank too much. You don't want that reputation, do you?Also, the company went to the trouble and expense of putting this thing on, the least you can do is eat.

Do talk to your coworkers about anything other than work, although depending on the crowd, you may want to skip religion and/or politics. You will see a whole different side to these people you spend forty hours a week with and they will somehow become a little more human.

Do have a plan for getting home. Whether it be a cab, public transit or an overnight stay in a hotel close to the venue, we all want you alive for the holidays.

I've decided to go home this year. Normally I end up staying downtown but have found that just gives me and excuse to be naughty. For once, I want to be on Santa's nice list and not have a raging hangover for two days after the party. Wish me luck!

Last but not least....DO HAVE FUN! Regardless of whether or not it's a Christmas prom like my company party or an evening at a pub with your ten office mates, 'tis the season to enjoy! So put on your party clothes, eat some rich food and celebrate with the people you spend the most time with next to your family. You never know when or where you'll meet your next best friend!