A cowardly act...

...or a courageous one?

A few days ago an old friend loaded his gun, stuck the barrel in his mouth, pulled the trigger and left his body and half his head for his parents to find. The note he left stated..."I was too lonely".

The last time I saw this friend was over ten years ago. We had known one another since grade five. He taught me how to french kiss and how to balance on a skateboard. We stayed friends through high school and into our early twenties and then just kind of lost touch. I knew he had been married and I knew he was recently divorced. I knew what he did for a living, the music he listened to, the books he read, the movies he watched and that skateboarding was still an activity he enjoyed frequently. What I didn't know was how he was feeling. I had no idea he was so sad and so lonely.

I consider suicide to be a deeply selfish thing, not worthy of notes or sad goodbyes. It is an act of despair, of despondency and of intense pain. I do not regard it as courageous or cowardly but resolute. I do not understand it therefore I cannot have a strong opinion about it. It is a personal decision one has to make and there should be no shame in it.

Will I go to the funeral? Of course. Will I stay for the wake? I don't know. I am unsure if I am worthy of being with people that knew and loved him when I hadn't bothered in ten years. I don't know that I want to be around people that are faking grief in order to garner attention and affection from friends and strangers. I will miss the future friendship we could have had if either of us made the effort and I will hold dear the memories of our youth but presently I am unsure of where my heart stands.