The Waiting Game....

....is a game that requires patience and a great poker face.

I waited about two weeks to hear when I would get an appointment for a mammogram/ultrasound and now I am waiting about a month to actually have the tests done. While I am waiting I am trying to sell a house, buy a house, work full time doing about three different jobs, parent (unsuccessfully) a budding teenager, get dinner on the table and groceries in the fridge, keep up with laundry, track my menstrual cycle, track my food intake, get enough exercise, conceive a baby, remember my vitamins, ween myself off medication, keep the house show home ready, deal with the mortgage broker, sleep and not cry. All of the other stuff seems easy compared to trying not to curl up in a ball in the darkest corner of the darkest room and sob uncontrollably.

I have to admit my brave face is amazing! I cover up my worry and sadness with anger and fake smiles. I laugh too hard, I sing too loud and being a storyteller, I come up with the best excuses. If there were an academy award for best Decepticon in real life, I'd take it home this year.

I'm so fucking exhausted. I don't want to wait anymore. I don't want to worry anymore. Everybody tells me it's probably nothing to worry about but really, what the fuck do they know? Are they walking in my shoes? Nope. I'd be angry if somebody were wearing my shoes though. Are their experiences exactly the same as mine. No they aren't. Is their body chemistry the same as mine. No. Stop telling me there is nothing to worry about because you have no idea. Until I hear there is nothing wrong from a doctor, I will worry as much as I want. I appreciate the sentiment behind  "I'm sure it's nothing" but don't say you're sure unless you are a medical practitioner familiar with my medical history.

How about a hug? Just a simple, silent hug would be nice. Even one of those e-hug things (((((hugs))))) would suffice. (I just unintentionally made a rhyme...Dances with Bass will be so proud)

((((((HUGS)))))))