Sexual Harassment...Yay nor Nay?

Aaahhh.... The two most dreaded words in the workplace except maybe "you're" and "fired". What constitutes sexual harassment anyway? It's different for most people and while some, me for example, have very loose limits, others are pretty uptight. Then there are the ones that flip-flop; you never know where they stand. One day they are talking about munching poozle and spitting out the seeds and the next they are giving you the "tsk, tsk" finger and shaking their heads. These are the ones you need to be careful of. These are the HR nightmares and these are the ones that will cost you your job.

Anytime you put men and women together in the workplace, there is going to be sexual tension, like it or not. "But the workplace is supposed to be a mature environment" you say. This is true, however, we are only human and underneath everything, we have a strong sexual drive. It's not a bad thing to want to screw your coworkers; I wouldn't mind an orgy with a few of mine (my office has talent and lots of it). It's not even a bad thing if you do end up having a quickie on the boss' desk after everybody has gone for the day (please stay off my desk though). Men are all about quantity, women like quality. When you get both in the same place, what do you expect? Rabbits, that's what.

Now, just because we can, it doesn't mean everybody is going to be a willing participant. Talk is cheap and never is this more evident than in a sexually charged workplace. Short skirts, a dirty mouth and a sunny disposition does not a work slut make. And ladies? Just because he is paying attention to you and bringing you the occasional coffee, doesn't mean he wants to bend you over the copy machine, OK? I have been involved in many situations where a dude felt as though I was "asking for it". Are you kidding me? I told a few dirty jokes and smiled so that means I should be accepting of your ass-grab in the back room? Bah ha ha!!! Get over yourself. That being said, I would never report an incident like that because I understand how people think and any attention can be misconstrued as attraction. However, if he doesn't understand the first "no thank you" then we may have a problem. It really depends on whether or not I want to preserve the working relationship. I once had a coworker quasi stalk me on Facebook and even after I asked him not to, the behaviour continued and sadly we had to get the bosses involved. Relationship destroyed.

I've often been told I am an HR nightmare and that could be true but if I sense somebody is uncomfortable with my behaviour, I quickly modify. I would hope that would be the case for everybody. Some people don't get the hint though. On the other side of the coin, don't be such a prude. If somebody tells you you're smokin' hot, thank them and move on. There is no need to make an issue of it. If the people in your office are talking about their latest adventure at the peelers, let 'em talk. Most of it is exaggerated bullshit anyway. Do you really believe the stripper moved her lap dance to his/her face? If you do then you need to spend some more time in a strip club my friend. Even a private dance won't get you that far and if it does then your coworker essentially hired a prostitute and that could be a joke in itself if you want to be mean. When it comes to sex, everything is over-the-top. Who the hell is going to brag of missionary position with their spouse on Saturday night after watching two episodes of Law & Order? Nobody. It's storytelling and what's wrong with that? Erotic stories are harmless unless you trying to preserve your panties.

So here are some very loose guidelines when it comes to sexually harassing your coworkers. Feel free to deviate but you could get into some big trouble. Oh and not all of these will work in every environment; pick and choose what works for you.

• Dirty jokes - HELL YEAH!
• Dirty jokes with coworkers name inserted - Probably not
• Stories of your latest escapade enhanced or not - Sure
• Stories of your latest escapade with a coworker - Probably not
• Nobody wants to hear about you self-pleasuring yourself, ever.
• Animals and kids are out of the question, even if you are joking.
• Telling your coworker they are hot, pretty, beautiful, handsome, gorgeous, etc... - YES please!
• Telling your coworker you would like to take them into the bathroom and gag them with your love snake - Definitely not (this goes for any sexual proposition)
• Talking about weird sex stuff you have encountered - OK
• Talking about weird sex stuff you would like to encounter with your coworker - Probably not
• Orgies with coworkers outside work hours/place - OK as long as everybody is willing
• Fucking anywhere in the office - Never a good idea
• Singing "Happy Birthday" in a Marilyn to the President way to a male coworker - Yes! (true story)
• Putting your fingers in a coworkers ass crack just because it's showing - No. (again, true story)

I am sure there are things I have missed but use your best judgement. If you wouldn't want somebody talking and/or acting in this matter around your parents, kids, spouses it's probably not a good idea to do it to your coworkers. Oh and never show your office mates what lives in your undergarments, NOBODY wants to see that in their face first thing in the morning. (true story)