It's Our Baby...

....and we'll do what we want to, do what we want to, do what we want to. You would too if the baby belonged to you.

There is a lot of pressure for new parents to conform to society's idea of good parenting. In the seven months I have been pregnant, I have been assaulted with questions and opinions about everything from poop catching to nourishment to sleeping arrangements. I don't mind answering the questions and listening to the advice, however, I don't want to hear your opinion on the choices we have made for our offspring.

In an effort to curb some questions and and subsequent opinions, here is a list of important decisions that have already been made. You can try to change our collective mind but we'll most likely dismiss you and your judgement.

• Circumcision - No. Definitely not. We are not religious, we are capable of caring for a foreskin, and we don't care if our son looks the same as his father. That about covers all of the arguments, right? As far as we are concerned, it is a completely unnecessary procedure. If we were having a girl, this wouldn't even be up for debate; so why is this not the case for our boy?  Also, I could not stand the idea of cutting off a piece of my baby's genitalia. Ouch.

• Breastfeeding - Yes. If I can. We completely agree with the "breast is best" sentiment and there is plenty of research to back it up. I will also pump so the man can help feed and if necessary we will supplement with formula. If I am unable to breastfeed or it is making our lives miserable, exclusive formula feeding it will be. I had to formula feed with my first and thus far we have seen no adverse effects. This is such a touchy subject with so many people and one I am very passionate about. I received a lot of criticism and side-eyes from mothers, fathers, relatives, nurses, and complete strangers when it came to our method of nourishment, I became grateful that I had a medical excuse for not breastfeeding. I yielded that excuse as a weapon and developed a very negative attitude toward breastfeeding for years because I was constantly forced to defend myself. Should there be any negativity from anybody regarding our choice in this matter this go around, a big "fuck off" will be in order.

• Diapers - Cloth. Even though multiple studies have shown that the environmental impact is almost the same, I still feel better about cloth diapering. To further reduce the environmental impact, we have bought mostly used from Craigslist, invested in a high efficiency wash machine, and will use eco-friendly detergents. We have calculated the costs of both and cloth diapering is way easier on the pocket book by a long shot. Also...the diapers and cover themselves are so fucking adorable. Who wouldn't want their baby's bum swaddled in owls or duckies? This is another decision that has been met with a lot of disdain from various people. Statements such as "they're so gross" to "can you handle the amount of work?" have been made as well as "wow, I didn't realise you guys were going to turn into hippies when you became parents". What the fuck? Do people think we are that incompetent and/or capable of changing our personalities when it comes to being parents? If we find it difficult or too much work, we'll switch but for now, we're going to make a solid effort to cloth diaper. 

• Vaccinations - Yes. Unless you have a legitimate medical excuse not to, you're fucking ignorant if you don't. I'm not even going to defend our position on this because we're right. Further, Jenny McCarthy is a moron with only one facial expression due to an immense amount of botox. I wonder if that causes autism?

• Sleeping - Yes. This is really our baby's decision but I'm hoping we can talk him into it if he chooses not to. He will sleep in a bassinet beside our bed until we deem him ready to move to his crib upstairs. Our bedroom is on the ground floor and we're lazy so running up and down the stairs every time he wakes up is out of the question. You'll notice I said "beside the bed"? I don't want something that will vomit and poop in my bed with me and babies have a tendency to hog the bed. They're jerks that way. I would also probably spend a lot of time awake worrying about crushing him. We're restless sleepers so it would be inevitable. Even the dog leaves the bed because we move too much. 

• Going back to work - Yes. I would go crazy if I were a Stay at Home mother. I have a lot of respect for mothers that do choose to stay home with their kids but it's not for me. I haven't even bothered to do the research on this because it's not up for debate. I NEED to work for my own sanity. Also, it would be financially irresponsible of me not to go back to work. 

• Giving birth - Scheduled Caesarian section. My babies just don't want to make the effort to come out of my vagina and that's okay with me. My first child took four days to make an appearance and at the end of those four days, she was finally forced out of my uterus by way of incision and forceful pulling. She's still stubborn and willful. I'm well aware of VBAC (vaginal birth after C-section) and I'm not willing to put myself, the man or our son through the hell that I experienced the first time. 

• His name - Yes, he will have one. Are we going to share it with people before he is born? Probably not. We don't want your opinions or suggestions. We happen to like our choice and we know you'll keep your mouth shut about our choice once he's born. We're smart like that. Please know that a lot of thought and discussion went into the name we've picked and we don't appreciate people bastardising it by shortening it or calling him some form of his names together. You can, for now, call him Megatron.

While these are the decisions we have made, we certainly do not judge others for their personal choices. Except vaccinations, we'll always think you're an idiot for not vaccinating your children. I really do not care if you breastfeed, co-sleep or circumcise. Your decisions do not affect me in any way (except vaccinating) and every family has the right to do what is best for them. So next time you decide to give me your unsolicited opinion, remember how much I don't care.

(I may have told a little, white lie just now regarding names. Why would you choose to put random vowels or consonants in the middle of your kid's name? Why would you come up with some elaborate spelling for a normal, simple name? Some examples: Jaxson, Maddilyn, Exavyour, Jaymee, Hayleigh, Jorja, Psymon, Jakk... You really can't make this shit up. Do you want your kid to go through life having to tell people how to spell his/her name?)